Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I haven't been on here for a very long time, because it takes light years for the 1000 year old Think Pad to turn on. It takes half an hour to power up, 10 minutes to open your browser, and gawd forbid you actually ask it to look something up. It's maddening. If I still had my laptop, then i could turn on the computer at a whim and write to my hearts content, but alas, i do not have two hours to navagate to this site and write. believe me, I need too.
Yesterday, Kodin came home with scratches on his neck all over and a huge one up his back. Two weeks ago same thing, but bleeding(he now has a scar). I first went to the bus and asked if i could ride the bus to school with him and see whats upsetting him so much. That didnt fly, so i ran to the truck, beat the bus to school and when he arrived, i asked what transpired on the bus. I was told the girl(attendant on the bus) was angrily saying," what, he can't talk or something!!" I of course, know this is not how one talks to Kodin and if she had a problem this whole time she had beenj riding with him to school and talking to him like that, then thats why hes upset. Could you imagine being badgered by someone ..who is obviously upset with you, and you cant answer them, and become frustarted by angry tons and body language??!! So while Kodin is at school for the amazing 3 hours from 9-12 (actually thats when he leaves and gets dropped off:(  it takes him the whole time to calm down. At Kodin's school I was told by everyone I talked to (3 girls in particular), that the woman yelled and stomped her foot, and today..swore at Kodin. Um what??!! There are a max of 5 children on the short bus to Chileda(there were three children last school year).How can an employee not know that a special needs child can't talk, or what to be careful for. Why as a mother am I constantly filling out paperwork about kodin for people that dont read it. Seems they are responsible for my child when i am not around. Scary, scratches coming from different directions on his neck, digging into his neck, a shirt burn from pulling on his shirt, and scratches coming up his back, as if someone is above him.
Needless to say, the bus company was rude to me, never called back, and when I called they said they have videos with sound and nothing happened..and i dont get to see them. When i had to call them back after the whole day of being told the girl on the phone whould talk to her boss, and no return call..I asked if I needed to get an attorney to view the video tapes taken on the bus every am. She said I would have to take it up with the DOE to get permission. They have already called to say they are working on it. Its all bullshit. Why doesnt Kodin have legal and mandatory IEP meetings? Why doesnt the DOE in Hawaii give this state the f***ing paperwork they require to continue his care here??? They dont have the child, he doesnt live there any longer, what is the purpose? They have told the head of DOE special education here a zillion times that they will send IEPs and much needed paperwork, it doesnt happen. How can the DOH not provide services. Why cant anyone tell me where my son is getting beat up, and why dont they care? Why do these people have these jobs?!!!
I am terribly sick, very angry. Kodin has no school for another month starting Monday. We sit, we eat, we grow..we go outside and horrible distruction. I went to the store on my way to a bbq two weeks ago to pick up margarita mix for a friend, Kodin threw himself on the ground in the wine isle and proceeded to kick and distroy zillions of bottles of wine, glass and red wine everywhere, hes too big to pick up, it was 115 degrees (heat index), so the child was sweaty and wine covered(not bleeding-miracle)-twirling around on the ground, hand sover his ears, kicking as hard as he could. Eventually I was assisted by two very brave men to carry him outside, where it proceeded for another half an hour. The stares the looks, the laughter, snikering..awesome. I was so worked up from trying to carry him and stress..i almost threw up. Right now, i want to cry and throw up. This life is rediculous, dangerous, sad

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

June 7th, 2011

I feel scared to leave the house when times get bad, like they very much are.  I would also like to add that I feel very guilty for not writting for so long, the guilt of that just kept building, till I truely thought I wouldn't enjoy this outlet for feelings, again.  My councellor suggestedn this probably wasnt the best idea, since the blog was created to help me feel good, not worse. I really wish I could find the energy to write more often, or if even the blogger worked better on my phone, because so many huge things happen daily.  So many; I believe, that I am overwhelmed. Yesterday confirmed, I have hit the bottom. I am exactly where i was 6 years ago. In a scary place, with no help, no money, a dangerous spot. I called the police yesterday because i couldn't get him up. he hurt me, was super violent, and listens to nothing. I called an attorney to help me find a group or even one single attorney that may assist those that have special needs and are being abused by the system. Kodin should be going to school year round. Because he hasnt had an IEP, which was supposed to occur before he moved in with me. At that time the team should have developed an appropriate plan for Kodin's safety and goals for education. The DOH was to be included; we should have been assigned and met with a social worker who was to do an assesment.  Both parties should have met with and devised a plan together, before he was removed from Chileda. We have no services for two months, unless you count the 3 hours a day during the week..starting in July.
Kodin woke up at 4:30 yesterday and today. I am exhausted. It was 100 degrees yesterday, and will be hotter today. Kodin rolled down the window, bypassing the child safety lock by letting himself open the door from the outside- jumped out of the car yesterday. Kodin flipped out at the store when I went to buy his fishing rod, smashing the counter with his fist, not holding my hand, but twisting my wrists till they feelmlike they are gonna snap,squeezing my hand to death, reaching over the counter and grabbing the phone,picking up the sensor remover, and smashing that on the counter next to us,swinging at me,slamming the door,running in front of a car, Smashing the windows in the truck with his hand and head. At the beach, he grabbed people, tried to club a baby seal cute girl for trying to take his fishing rod, ran away from me swinging , back and forth up and down the beach. He ran into everyones safety zone, in between intimate, mother child moments,sand everywhere, threw and kicked sand at/on me, cast his rod at people, no perception of boat traffic and to stay out of the way..I'm obviously right there,but with him running away from me now always..he's so much more dangerous. And he f***ing laughs at me. I know Angelamn Syndrome children smile and laugh "inappropriatley," it doesn't make it less madenning. Speaking of, I am not taking yesterday so well. Feeling scared, exhausted, lonely, and heartbroken. It's finally the summer I have been waiting for, and I am seriously in debt, no longer have my supporter Corrie, and have my crazier than ever child all to myself. The police were nice about Kodin yesterday, but I forsee way too many 911 calls in my future, hopefully none of them are because one of us has gotten seriously injured, he has hurt me every day for as long as i can remember. He chokes constantly, his weight is skyrocketing, we r hot, he won't stop going out in the water, can't go to the store..this is so wrong.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

May the 12th

Aloha, I haven't been on much lately so I thought I should start with a little Kodman facts
-Kodin loves water
-Kodin has webbed toes, a set on both feet
-Kod would explode from food if he was given the opportunity
-Kodin loves dogs, he is a little scary with most, he wants to kiss their faces and snuggle their little necks off
-Kodin has been able to sign gramma, and his first variation from the first and only thing he could say when he was younger(ma), and made it mamama so he could express his love for her
-Kodi takes a lot of Seroquel, and he is an explotion of crazy tornado(ness) without it, the effects of long term use are starting to show and it makes me sick
-He doesn't like wind, if you have no ac, like my old car didn't(the heat was stuck on mind you), then he will roll the windows up to avoid the cursid air
-Fishing rods are his favorite thing, we tie a toy to the end and he can cast like a master, he hates worms, and fish, and I hate the idea of pulling hooks out of him. I buy more fishing rods than any other human
-Kodman likes watching House

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I just wrote tons about the weather leading to a beautiful afternoon..how I have been busy with my biggest supporter leaving in a couple weeks...it was delightfully written and it disappeared..this has happened once before. I lost my umpf..I will write tomorrow:/

Saturday, May 7, 2011

May the 7th

Good morning,
  As you can imagine the night of the stand off was a long one. I ended up moving us to the back yard and not letting him inside for much longer. I made a fire and set up the grill. Kodin looked for bugs, tried eatting some old bok choy that I threw outside (I try to let nature do it's work to the veggies and such instead of throwing it in the trash), and treid to distroy the garage and every planted and growing thing in creation. Kodin may have not made the walk happen, but I hope he knows I mean business. He too can make his very own momma bear tempestuous.  He was thrilled with the fire, having all of my attention, getting to discover the garage, unplanting etc, so it is hard to say who won.  His new white Nikes are all scratched and covered in dirt, his arms where bite up and horrible..we both lost.  It really doesn't matter for days anyway, I looked at the weather; as I do every morning), and it will rain for as many days as the chart allowed me to see.  (In the winter I have to know what is looming outside before I head out there [now I'm just curious if spring is really arriving or not, and bless me it will be warm while all this raining is happening...May showers I guess]).  I am wondering if Kodin's knee is bothering him, or he is affraid it will, it is a lot frustrating not being able to communicate. It was really swollen three days ago, I took him to the doctor last week and it was slightly swollen, his doctor said it might be from the new found walking(the appointment literaly lasted 3 minutes). I gave him an advil and put arneca on his knee before we left in antisipation of discomfort.

I was writing several days before about how we arrived her in La Crosse from Hawaii. I left off with we were at the hospital, Kodin had injured himself, and I refused to leave the hospital. This decision lead to the whole State's DOE, and DOH, the hospital administartion, social workers and some others to try to get Kodi to leave.  With the new group of people looking for a way to get Kodin out of the state, we found a place. Chileda in La Crosse, WI is the only place we could find that institutionalized any child under the age of 14.  It is against the law to institutionalize children in every state (and as I have found out while living in La Crosse, Wisconsin is the most strict about this law). {I want to add that there is a place in Boston that we had researched which took strictly autistic children and might still have been an option, if they hadn't had charges against them several times for abuse and violence-years later my friends Nicole and Julie accompanied me to this place}.  The La Crosse care facility, called Chileda, would take Kodin, but they were at full capacity.  So, in an urgent rush we packed and were assigned some folks to travel with us, I moved Kodin to Wisconsin in February of 2005.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

May the 4th

sit has been a beautiful day. i have been super excited to go on a walk with kodin all day. i did a thousand errands in hopes to be ready for his arrival. he is in a stand off with me..outside the front door and wont get up. he is bleeding from his arm from biting it open.i am writing this from my phone that refuses to capitilize letters and punctuate properly..except for periods. everyone that has driven down beautiful hood street is staring. it looks like some huge domestic is occuring. i cant pick him up,i tried manuevering him to a stand.he is banging his head against the ground,trying to break the screen glass with his arm, kicking the door open,slamming his arms against the pavement and door.i wont go back inside,cause he wants to,it hasnt been spring yet...and he and i need to walk.my back and brain hurts already,and i have done zero walking.now im affraid if i get him walking he will freak out along the way but i have to chance it,because he cant just refuse to walk cause he would rather watch tv. i am very sad that we r wasting the day,the wind has picked up,and the clouds are rolling in and im

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


I am not really the master of blogging yet by any means, and this may be harsh and messy. But it's real, and it will never be boring. There is love. So, if others recomment me then someone who cares will read and so on..<a target="_blank" href="http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/single-parent?trk=t25_single-parent" title="Circle of Moms Top 25 Blogs on Single Parenting - Vote for me!"><img src="http://images.circleofmoms.com/images/moms/link_badge.png" title="Circle of Moms Top 25 Blogs on Single Parenting - Vote for me!"></a>