Tuesday, June 7, 2011

June 7th, 2011

I feel scared to leave the house when times get bad, like they very much are.  I would also like to add that I feel very guilty for not writting for so long, the guilt of that just kept building, till I truely thought I wouldn't enjoy this outlet for feelings, again.  My councellor suggestedn this probably wasnt the best idea, since the blog was created to help me feel good, not worse. I really wish I could find the energy to write more often, or if even the blogger worked better on my phone, because so many huge things happen daily.  So many; I believe, that I am overwhelmed. Yesterday confirmed, I have hit the bottom. I am exactly where i was 6 years ago. In a scary place, with no help, no money, a dangerous spot. I called the police yesterday because i couldn't get him up. he hurt me, was super violent, and listens to nothing. I called an attorney to help me find a group or even one single attorney that may assist those that have special needs and are being abused by the system. Kodin should be going to school year round. Because he hasnt had an IEP, which was supposed to occur before he moved in with me. At that time the team should have developed an appropriate plan for Kodin's safety and goals for education. The DOH was to be included; we should have been assigned and met with a social worker who was to do an assesment.  Both parties should have met with and devised a plan together, before he was removed from Chileda. We have no services for two months, unless you count the 3 hours a day during the week..starting in July.
Kodin woke up at 4:30 yesterday and today. I am exhausted. It was 100 degrees yesterday, and will be hotter today. Kodin rolled down the window, bypassing the child safety lock by letting himself open the door from the outside- jumped out of the car yesterday. Kodin flipped out at the store when I went to buy his fishing rod, smashing the counter with his fist, not holding my hand, but twisting my wrists till they feelmlike they are gonna snap,squeezing my hand to death, reaching over the counter and grabbing the phone,picking up the sensor remover, and smashing that on the counter next to us,swinging at me,slamming the door,running in front of a car, Smashing the windows in the truck with his hand and head. At the beach, he grabbed people, tried to club a baby seal cute girl for trying to take his fishing rod, ran away from me swinging , back and forth up and down the beach. He ran into everyones safety zone, in between intimate, mother child moments,sand everywhere, threw and kicked sand at/on me, cast his rod at people, no perception of boat traffic and to stay out of the way..I'm obviously right there,but with him running away from me now always..he's so much more dangerous. And he f***ing laughs at me. I know Angelamn Syndrome children smile and laugh "inappropriatley," it doesn't make it less madenning. Speaking of, I am not taking yesterday so well. Feeling scared, exhausted, lonely, and heartbroken. It's finally the summer I have been waiting for, and I am seriously in debt, no longer have my supporter Corrie, and have my crazier than ever child all to myself. The police were nice about Kodin yesterday, but I forsee way too many 911 calls in my future, hopefully none of them are because one of us has gotten seriously injured, he has hurt me every day for as long as i can remember. He chokes constantly, his weight is skyrocketing, we r hot, he won't stop going out in the water, can't go to the store..this is so wrong.